With Them I Could See It

I watch you
You tell me you’re writing a book
On your phone
“How every millennial does now”
Do they though?
I listen at first
But then I stop hearing anything
You’re cute
I study your face
And try to do what I do
With my eyes open I try to see
What I only learned I wanted a few years ago
It’s different every time but the roots are the same
A vision of a future that fits together like a puzzle
It’s not finished but put together just enough
That I can fill in the empty spots

I could see it
I never wanted it before
But with him
I could see it
For the first time
I wrote it down once
I wrote about what our house looked like
I wrote about our daughter
I wrote it all down in so much detail
I can remember every word
I don’t think I ever told him
But it didn’t matter
He didn’t want it with me anymore
I could still see it

With him
I could see it
Five years down the line
He only wears those jeans that I like
And we fight sometimes
Because he thinks he’s smarter than scientists
And I tell him he’s wrong
And we don’t stop until we’re tired
One night when I am sure
Sure that he’s mine for good
I tell him who tapped his shoulder
The night that we met
This all didn’t matter
Because he couldn’t see past that old friend’s face
I could still see it

With him
I could see it
It wouldn’t have been forever but I think it would have been a while
My friends always say he’s nice
And he is all the time
He learns every bit of that song I asked him to play
I listen to him practice while I work
It ends eventually
Because we know it’s only because it’s convenient
This all didn’t matter
It never got that far
I could still see it

With him
I could see it
A life where everything is fine
The sex is fine
His company is fine
The playlist in our house is fine
Fine is better than nothing
Every once in a while
He says something really funny
And even though he forgets big things
He remembers little things
Like to make a reservation
It wasn’t great, but it was fine
It didn’t matter
Because he vanished without so much as a good-bye
I could still see it

With him
I could see it
I could see it
And I wanted it so fucking bad
After what feels like a million years
He still looks at me with that face
We love so hard
His parents love me
Our love would require constant compromise
Great sacrifices
At least for a while
But we wouldn’t hesitate
Because we were world-changing
It didn’t matter
Because he looked at nine girls at the same time with that face
I could still see it

With you
I can’t see it
I’ve tried and I can’t get past Sunday night
Even the pieces
The now miscellaneous, annoying pieces
Don’t make sense
Only a future filled with drama
With ex-girlfriends and their kids
With late nights and bar fights
With you always needing to be right
Always doing what you like

Honestly I don’t know if it was them
Or if it is me
No matter what happened
I don’t hate these false memories
Because I think I need it
And with you
I can’t see it


Mary Kate Pleggenkuhle Founder
Mary Kate Pleggenkuhle : Mermaid Songbird. ChampionSuperstarPrincess. Proud Mamabear of “Obvi, We’re The Ladies.” Full of Sass, But Rarely Caught Without A Smile On.