Space To Grow On My Own

Woman-short-hair-Chicago-Street-Taxi Photo: Rachel Mandel

I’ve been single for almost eight months now. I don’t miss feeling like I need someone. I’ve come to a point where I enjoy my own company. I’m pretty funny, and in all honesty?

I guess I needed some alone time to accept those things.

And I guess I’ll need to keep having some alone time to continue to teach myself to believe them.

I’m at a time in my life where I have no romantic tie to absolutely anyone. This is the first time in the longest time that I solely put all the love I have towards myself. (And let me tell you, I have loads of love to give).

I’ve always had a problem with being alone and I still do. I’m just a little better at it now, and I accept it. I don’t let it hold me down as some horrible thing.

Being single is great. Having time and space to grow on your own around the ones that love you is so increasingly beneficial to the healthy person I’m striving to be, leaving me fulfilled in certain ways.

Being single has its challenges when for the past seven years of your life you have been romantically attached to someone in some way. And that was me. If something didn’t work out I’d cry and throw an emotional fit within, but externally I’d cling to the next person who showed interest. I’d fall for them or perhaps the idea of being loved, and it wouldn’t work out for whatever reason.

I’m happy they all haven’t worked out. I’m happy to be where I am right now, alone on this park bench, sipping my coffee while I stare out at the waves of Lake Michigan. I’m content.

I’m also lonely. In a way that I can’t exactly put into words, but I’m trying. I’m lonely in the sense that after a hard day at work I wish there was someone at home ready to lay in bed with me and listen to my thoughts. I wish there was someone in my life that could fill this void I constantly fight with—this void that tells me I’m hard to love and that I’m never going to find someone who is going to love me as deeply as I love them.

I’m not sure I know how to open up to someone anymore. I’m not sure if I’ll want to. And I’m not quite sure how to feel about it.

I’m constantly trying to remind myself that I am wonderful all on my own, and deep down I know that. I demonstrate it in everything I do—but there’s a part of me, that little lonely void within me that is never going to shut up and, wow, I really wish it would.

 

Becky Harrison Contributor Photo
Becky Harrison : Certified klutz, free spirited, go-get-em goof ball. Loves writing poetry and the beach. Strong believer in bucket lists.
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