Staying Away From The Scissors

I thought about cutting my hair off today.
They say that cutting your hair is a sign of mourning.
People do it because they need a change.
They want a tangible before and after.
They want to forget, so when the hair is sheared off, so too are the memories.
There’s a famous quote by CoCo Chanel that says, “A woman who cuts her hair is about to change her life.”
I tuck my hair behind my shoulders as I stare pensively into the mirror, and try to imagine what it would look like if I could actually go through with it.
Try to imagine what I would look like as a shorthaired girl, one who wasn’t carrying the weight of these memories in her tresses.
I try to picture myself as this different person, one who isn’t weighed down by the world and what she has lost.
As I picture my loose strands falling to the floor, I’m met with a clearer memory of your fingers running through my hair.
Softly, almost hesitantly, as if you weren’t sure they should be there, and then with more of a purpose, becoming deeply entwined and pulling me closer to you.
I remember you lightly putting a strand back into place that had fallen haphazardly out of a ponytail.
You, gently tucking my hair behind my ear in the morning as we lay in bed.
I want things to be better.
I want the memories gone.
I want to display my grief to the rest of the world.
I wanted things to end differently.
I’m going to leave my hair alone, though.
At least for now.
For now, I refuse to lose any more of myself because of you.

Alex Nowling : rock climber by night, marketing student by day – always planning her next adventure while sipping coffee & watching The Office.