This cursor has been blinking and blinking. I cannot put my focus on one little topic. My focus is flustered, words at a cliché loss. I sit idle on my bed, legs crisscrossed under my comforter. It is almost 2 a.m. This seems to be a routine, surrounded by softness and the familiarity of my bedroom at this time, normally Netflix would be playing. I would be “trying” to fall asleep; here I am, though. I’m writing! Wow. For once.
I’m in a place that seems to be a middle ground – over the hump of the year, it has dwindled away but my mentality and emotional stability – my entire Self, seems a little more intact than usual. At least, my mood seems more intact. I’m stable in the sense that I have a slight grip on who I am and where I want to go. Yet, I am stalled, prevented from getting there.
Something that has escaped me for way too long is my thirst for creativity. I find myself cowering behind my computer screen, watching Netflix in my spare time between shifts or outings rather than sitting and sifting through my thoughts, reading a good book, letting my mind wander.
Is this for a lack of energy or rather a pause on wanting my mind to expand? I’m opting for the first, which is weird considering I’m in a rather good place lately. Mentally.
I guess life takes baby steps – you need to find yourself a concrete foundation and fill in all of those cracks, build yourself up slowly – in whatever way you can. That’s what I’ve been doing a lot of lately. I do not have much toxicity around me anymore. In the sense that I stay away from people who make me feel bad, send out vibes that do not mesh with who I am, and those who manipulate me or don’t appreciate me. I’ve learned to cut ties where need be, leave situations when needed and how to simply steer clear of toxicity. I have a good read on what influences me in which way, good or bad, most importantly the influence on my mental wellbeing. I have really focused on this, this second half of 2016 and will continue to in this new year. 2017.
I seem to always come back to my mental health and its importance, but I don’t practice what I preach nearly enough. I have patterns I always fall back into. I avoid tip-toeing out of my “mental comfort zone” so that I cannot create a domino effect; disrupting this new clarity I have in my life. These patterns have helped me get to this point in my life where I am stable, where I’ve learned to prioritize and how to say “no,” but now I feel like I’m missing something. That I’m being dulled.
At times like now, I feel suffocated and stalled by this comfort zone I’ve found; this mentality neutralizer I’ve created. I’ve become too comfortable, lost a little color from my life, let everything around me gray, in a way that is not depressing – at this time – rather inconveniencing the progress I want to make. At least that’s what I think has occurred.
I want to write on a daily basis. Paint in my spare time. Read novels on the train, take photos of new places. Go to these new places. I could list on and on of all the things I want to achieve and pursue and yet I do not really know if I will do any of them. I am at a crossroads. I find myself in a mentally stable spot and yet aching for a little reckless love, a little wiggle room to be creative or spontaneous – but my consistency with comfort, the satisfaction I feel having a grip on my mental health for the first time in a long time is hindering me in a complicated way. I’m on a seesaw, basically. Whichever side rises, even if slowly, causes the other side to plummet. I do not know how to balance this. I am happy that I’m not coming home every day and crying because I’m so exhausted from life, but there is this new disappointment I feel for not doing more with my time, for not exercising my brain.
I’ve gotten to the point in my life where these hobbies I once was lost in are lost themselves. I am aching to find my way back to them. My mind and energy are stalled. Maybe this is a new type of depression in and of itself — I’m still coming to understand it. Maybe this a baby step toward balancing my life, learning to be a little bit both of what I want and what I need. Maybe I need a push, something to fit back into the “normalization” of a life I once lived with no problem.