Totally Honest Dating Profile | Mimi

My self-summary:

I’m a selectively quiet extrovert who will probably try to woo you with sarcasm and the occasional goofy gif. If I like you I will insult you. Hope you’re into that.

In reality, though, I’m a big softie. If the chemistry is there and you can make me laugh, I’m probably all in. This means sometimes I get my hopes up too soon and get into relationships with the wrong people. I used to do this a lot, but lately I’ve made a conscious effort not to. It’s working out pretty well, but it’s resulted in me being single for a long time. And, yes, I mean a really long time. It’s been 6 years since I’ve been in a long term relationship. Now that you know, please don’t ask me why I’m single right off the bat. As far as bad introductory questions goes, that ranks up there with “do you want to see my dick?” Just don’t do it, you’re not being cute. You’re putting me on the spot and making me feel kind of defensive.

All that aside, I’ve enjoyed being single. When I was younger, it was fun to play the field. I play the field a lot less now, but singledom has a lot of perks. I do what I want whenever the fuck I want, and I don’t have to constantly be conscious of someone else’s needs. I can make out with strangers at bars. I can eye-fuck the cute guy on the train. I don’t have to try to juggle someone else’s social calendar with my own. Being single is pretty fucking awesome.

While I enjoy the single life, don’t mistake that for me only wanting sex. I’m looking for a real connection with someone, something that can grow into a relationship. I miss the giddiness of a new relationship. I miss getting to know someone on a deeper level. I even miss being constantly cognizant of another person’s needs, despite what I said before.

Everyone has layers, and I’m one of them. Who you talk to online is a little different than who you’ll meet, and who you’ll meet is a little different from who you could know a couple years down the line. Get to know me, I’d (probably) love to get to know you.

What I’m doing with my life:

Absolutely nothing. Not really, but kind of.

I’m looking for a job right now, so I spend most of my time crafting excellent cover letters and having the busiest social life ever. Try to make last minute plans with me, I dare you.

I’m really good at:

Writing, although I hate saying that. Most people that list writing under this section are either pretentious or not good. I really hope I’m neither of those things.

The first things people usually notice about me:

I’m fat. I have a presence when I walk into the room, and I try to embrace it. Most of the time, I’m proud of my body. I’m looking for someone who will be proud of it too.

If you have a preference for big girls, that’s great. Just don’t be creepy about it. If it’s objectifying, don’t message me with it. C’mon, guys, common decency means I shouldn’t have to outline how not to be a fuck boy with you.

Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food:

This is the time where I can go into all the things I like that make me look cool. I’m not going to do that. If you like coffee, hip hop, and Bob’s Burgers we should be good.

The six things I could never do without:

1) My close friends
2) My family
3) Music
4) Something (or someone) to hug when I sleep
5) Laughter
6) Coffee

I spend a lot of time thinking about:

The woulda, coulda, should-have-been’s.

The most private thing I’m willing to admit:

I fucked my way to self-esteem. Do with that what you will.

You should message me if:

You’re willing to put the time and effort needed into building a relationship. I’m not going to waste my time.

Mimi Haze : Writer. Lover. Feminist. Proud Fatty. If “Netflix and chill” was a profession, I’d be all over that shit.

Our Totally Honest Dating Profiles are inspired by the #ByeFelipe podcast and its hosts, Alexandra Tweten & Eileen Beard.