Totally Honest Dating Profile | Madelaine


To those who would consider loving/dating me:

I have been ‘in love’ twice.  I’ve loved a lot of people in my life, but as far as romantic love, it’s just the two.  The first was that really intense teenage love that feels like the only thing that will ever matter forever and ever, nobody understands. 

When I got to college, I of course realized that my first love wasn’t the only thing that mattered. It did matter, but its goodness was constrained to a certain phase of my life. Toward the end, I couldn’t allow myself to let go of it the way I should have and things got messier than they needed to. Eventually, I figured it out and let myself lean into my desire to  experience all the other things.

The second love was a doozy. It was well intentioned, but toxic more than anything because of how unrealistic my expectations were and how unmatched my feelings were. He was just a little older than me, and in my younger, less self-assured brain, a lot cooler and smarter and more interesting. That insecurity mixed with my infatuation led me to involve him in some of my worst, sloppiest, saddest moments. We never actually dated, but just about every second of the time we spent together is seared in my memories. When we were together my brain turned to goop and I swear I would have married him on the spot if he asked. He didn’t.  

For the last four or so years, I’ve intermittently tried dating or becoming close to people I thought I might be interested in, but nothing has stuck. Most of the time I wrote them off almost immediately because I knew what I was looking for — mostly that goofy crush feeling. Sometimes I tried to make it work even though I knew I wasn’t ready for anything at all.

I don’t know if I’m ready to be in love again. I don’t even really want to date in the old-fashioned sense, but I do know that I’m not interested in being romantically close with someone unless I think it could lead to that feeling. Hopefully the next time it happens I’ll be able to manage it better. I’m kind of holding out to meet someone in a public transit encounter or at a party, but if for whatever reason you’re still thinking about trying to date me, here’s my stuff:

I’m a whopping four feet and eleven (and a half) inches tall. My weight varies across about a ten-pound scale, but I like my body for the most part. There are days when I don’t, but I’m working on it. I’m not a big fan of exercise, but I do go to the gym and do regular gym things when my brain and schedule allow.  

I’ve started shaving my legs (about twice a month) again, but you’re  going to have to be cool with my general hairiness. That includes my armpits, my vagin, my belly button, and a light ‘stache.  

I don’t think I have a type as much as I have a few no-go types. I’d be most comfortable dating someone who is about the same amount of attractive as me. I’m not sure how attractive that is, but if you look like a Ken doll I’ll probably be too suspicious of your motives to get very far at all.

I don’t eat meat. I don’t care if you do but I’ll avoid touching it if at all possible. I eat plenty of vegetables but I’m pretty weird about fruit. Big fan of pasta, cheese, bread, potatoes, rice, butter, etc. I don’t diet but there are certain things I won’t buy just so I won’t have them in my house and eat them when I’m bored.

My interest in getting done up varies by day and occasion, but if we spend a lot of time together, you’ll usually see me in my no-makeup, sweatpants state.

I’m a boogery girl. I think I’m allergic to being outside. You get bonus points for having tissues in your room and a bunch extra if you don’t judge me if you see the occasional used tissue in my bed. You can’t always find ’em all. I love animals, but I’m mildly allergic to certain dogs and ridiculously allergic to most cats. So many boogers. Always.  

I don’t think I’m a genius, but I like learning things and knowing about things. Anthropology, generally old things, and things related to social justice are my jam. I’d like to be able to talk about those things with you and learn about other things from you as well.  

We don’t have to agree on everything social-justice-y or political, but I hope you’re also actively working against and thinking about internal and external racism, sexism, ableism, heteronormativity, etc. It’s gotta be a lifelong project. I have a ton of room to grow myself, but I’m not interested in compromising that personal work to make other people more comfortable, no matter who they are to me.

I smoke. I know I’m going to quit in the next year or two, but the fact that it’s going to kill me doesn’t feel pressing enough right now. You might be part of the reason I quit sooner, but you don’t get to make me do it. You don’t get to make me do anything.  

I’m not very good at ‘letting people in.’ It’ll be a while from when we become friendly to when I actually start talking about my feelings or ‘baggage’ in a real way. Even then, I tell different things to different people and sometimes I lose track of what I’ve told to whom.  I don’t know why.  

I get sad sometimes, kind of a lot, but I probably won’t tell you about it. A lot of the time it feels like when your eyelids get heavy when you’re really tired, except it’s all over.  It balances out pretty well with my nerves at this point, so the only time you’ll know is if it’s worse than usual or if I’m PMSing. I’ll try not to put it on you, but if I seem kind of like a zombie you’ll have to just let it peter out.  It’ll peter out.

I don’t really know what people think I’m like. My guess is that everyone I know thinks I have a slightly different personality. Some people think I’m really meek and skittish, but I’ve also been told that I look like I’ve probably punched a person. I haven’t.  I think I’m a generally nice person and I try to be thoughtful, but I can certainly be a brat and I don’t show all that much enthusiasm about things that often. It doesn’t mean I’m not enjoying myself but I don’t always have the energy to perform that excitement, even when I know it’s appropriate.

In social situations, I’m usually pretty quiet until I get three drinks in. After that I become a hungry tiger, my voice goes up a few octaves, and I start saying just about every thought that comes to my mind. There’s not much to be done about it; I’ve tried.

I live with my best friend and fellow Lady, Mary Kate. We’ll all have to be able to be friends, good friends if this is going to go well. MK and I have pretty different personalities, but they fit together nicely. You’ll also have to deal with me spending most of my non-work time on Obvi. I can’t imagine a point in my future when that won’t be the case unless (until) it turns into my work time. Supporting that would be a nice touch.  

You’ll have to get along with my family too. Not just my mom and dad and brother, but you’ll have to be on the good list of select aunts and uncles and cousins.  Also, me spending Christmas Eve and Easter with my family is non-negotiable. We may be able to swing multiple parties on those days or maybe you don’t have to come with me, but for the record I have plans. 

In theory, I want to get married and have kids. If that happens, I’d like to pop the last one out before turning 33. I’ve got two names ready to go. I’d also like to have a medium-sized dog. It’s all obviously still up in the air, but I don’t think I’d feel comfortable being with someone for whom those things are out of the question.  I may have also recently promised my brother that he could sit between me and my hubbie at our wedding reception. 

I am interested in finding someone to love, but internet dating usually puts me in situations that I don’t respond very well to. I’m hoping we can get to know each other in a way that isn’t quite so awkward but lord knows I’ll be periodically downloading tinder until something else happens.

I know this whole thing reads kind of stern, but if the idea is to be super honest, I kind of have to be.

I think that’s most of the big stuff that I’m willing to disclose to people I don’t know. If you want more clues, feel free to read my essays but as noted previously, you probably won’t get the whole picture right off the bat. Have fun dating me, lol byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee ✌️


Madelaine Walker Contributor Photo
Madelaine Walker : Anthropology enthusiast, bookworm & couch potato. In search of a life I’ll be proud to recount in old age. New Motto: Do no harm, but take no shit.

Our Totally Honest Dating Profiles are inspired by the #ByeFelipe podcast and its hosts, Alexandra Tweten & Eileen Beard.