I’m Divorced

Holding Hands Photo : Alanna Bagladi

Yes. It’s true. At twenty-nine I am now a divorced woman. It’s taken me a while to get to the point where I’m comfortable putting that all out in the open for everyone to see. I changed my name on social media, so I’m sure many of my ‘friends’ knew what was up or were at least wondering. Well, now you all know for sure, go ahead, gossip… I really don’t mind.

I’m not writing this essay to come clean about anything. Neither of us did anything wrong, we just didn’t work as a couple. It took me a very long time to come to terms with the fact that we were not meant to be together. Was there more we could have done? Sure, in any relationship there’s probably something more that can be done but unfortunately, I got to a place where I didn’t want to fix things anymore. Maybe that makes me the bad guy, but to be honest, it’s mostly liberating to know that I made that decision for myself and no one else.

For most of my life I have taken into consideration every last person and how they could be affected by my choices. I did it when I decided to try to have kids and I even got to a point where I truly believed I wanted it because there were other people who wanted it for me. I’m not blaming those other people. They thought I wanted something so they pushed as well. It’s my own fault for not being honest with myself.

In leaving my marriage, I came back to myself. In the last few months of being married, I realized who I really was and what made me happy. I also learned the sad truth that my true self would never be able to make my then partner happy. That’s not an easy pill to swallow.

To those of you out there who think that the decision was made lightly and that I’m a horrible person, that I ruined someone’s life, I’m sorry. For you, that may seem like the reality. But for me it was a long and difficult process in finding myself, one that was filled with years of ups and downs. Unfortunately the low points outweighed the high ones.

Divorce is never easy. Moving on and forward is never easy. Those facts are true and sincere. However, the easy thing is knowing that I am living my life on my own terms, for myself and with confidence. I am not stifled by anyone, especially not myself anymore and all I can really say is that I’m happy. And it’s empowering to know that I have the knowledge of what I need in a relationship moving forward.

My professional life is flourishing. I am finally feeling creative and inspired again which is something I’m really excited about. The whole world has opened up to me for a second chance and you better believe I’m taking everything I want. It’s not okay to feel ashamed for being the person you want to be or doing the things you want to do. It was so important for me to share my story with you so that maybe someone else out there can realize they’re not bad for choosing themselves. Yes, it’s great to take other people’s feelings into consideration but if you’re unhappy you should always feel empowered to change that.

Colleen Rae : Artist. Writer. Feminist. Wizard.
Colleen Rae : Artist. Writer. Feminist. Wizard.