The Intense Girl

Im kind of an intense person. Dont get me wrong, I absolutely love having fun and being carefree but at my core Im a deeply feeling, intuitive, and empathetic being. Personally, I dont feel there is anything wrong with that, but I also dont always feel comfortable with those parts of myself because I dont think others are comfortable with them.  

I write a lot of poetry and short stories and I rarely feel comfortable enough to share them with people. When I do share my writings, I immediately feel a knot in the pit of my stomach and my mind starts reeling. Shit, shit, shitthey must think Im depressed and scary or something.Generally, when I share my personal work its with a pen name because I dont want people to look at me any differently.  I also feel constantly as if people tell me to calm downor lighten upand if Im being completely honest, it pisses me off so much yet I continue to let them say it.

What makes it so wrong to be a deep thinker? I like that I have an emotional range, Im not a fucking robot. We as human beings cannot be expected to live in the world we do and not have an opinion or care about the other people who share this living, breathing earth with us. So, why do my intensethoughts tend to make me so uncomfortable around other people?

Recently, a friend told me that they wanted to know peoples initial opinions or thoughts about them. I immediately disagreed, already terrified they were going to tell me something about myself I didnt want to hear. Maybe people I meet think that Im a little bit weird or a buzzkill or whatever. All I knew at that moment was that I was way too scared to know what other people thought about me and for what?

Ive lived a lot of my life being the girl people wanted me to be on the outside while the inside me was slowly disintegrating away into nothing. I was the happy go lucky, always smiling, carefree nothing bothered me girl. This past year, though, I have come to accept that Im intense, I live within my own head, I over analyze things and while I might not be the jealoustype, I still get upset and bothered sometimes. Im trying to live my life authentically and give myself a real experience and I know in order to do that I am probably going to have to open myself to other people’s opinions and sometimes those opinions may hurt me. 

So, where do I begin. How do I let myself be, well, myself and not care if people are turned off by that? This is something thats going to take work and with societal stigmas still surrounding women who arent always happy its probably going to suck sometimes but, its important enough to me to begin embracing myself. Whats the saying? Haters gonna hate. And as for me, well, at least Im going to be free.

Colleen  : Artist. Writer. Feminist. Wizard.
Colleen : Artist. Writer. Feminist. Wizard.