I’m a giver.
It’s in my blood. I give and honestly never need anything in return. I love so much, share and care so, so much. I recognize this. I pride myself on it and always will.
I value your feelings and comfort more than I value my own. I want anyone and everyone to feel welcome and loved. Every being deserves that, needs that, and I am more than willing to spread my positivity and love around.
It’s when people fail to recognize and take advantage of my easygoing demeanor, and necessity to give, that I become frustrated and close myself off.
I don’t help and give with the expectation to get in return. I recognize not everyone is as giving as me, do not feel the need to make other’s problems their own. I do, though. I recognize this but it does not mean in the moment I do not get upset when others manipulate and take advantage of me, leave me out in the cold wondering what the hell I could have done. I value honesty and directness more than anything else. I used to let this happen all the time, but as I’ve matured I’ve started to put my foot down and I’m noting that some people don’t like it—they hate it.
There are more than a handful of occasions as of late where people have needed me, needed my help and I have given it to them. No questions asked. When I have been the one in need though, reaching out to them? They have brushed it off, or deterred from my needs. No response, no updates. For some cases I’ve found myself altogether feeling a ping in my stomach when I want to reach out to a friend but know they aren’t going to be there for me in the ways I need. So I don’t. Maybe that’s just growing up and maybe that’s just me comprehending that others don’t prioritize other’s feelings in a way I do—either way it sucks sometimes. Especially when I am ignored in my time of need.
“You need to be your own best friend.” Yes, maybe so. The only person you can really count on in life is yourself but that doesn’t mean you should. You should be able to give give give and feel loved at the end of the day. Most of the time I do.
When I do reach out though and only receive silence—silence from people I most definitely do not expect it from? Anger starts boiling inside me. A good friend of mine has become accustomed to doing this and we have found ourselves in a screaming match—not something I want to encounter ever again. I plan on voicing my needs next time she doesn’t catch on and still plan on being there for her every step of the way in life because at the end of the day my love for her is more important than any difference in comfort or lifestyles. At the end of the day I value her in my life and am the giver I have always been, I just plan on sticking up for myself more.
On the flip side, I have a guy friend let’s call him Jack. Over the past year and a half I have bent over backwards for Jack—for his needs. I’ve forgiven Jack time and time again for hurting my emotions and me but as of lately I’ve just stopped. I’ve stopped degrading my needs for someone I know will not learn to reciprocate in the way I need and will continue to cause me emotional turmoil. Although I plan on keeping Jack in my life at a distance, I do not plan on being flexible to his needs anymore or belittling who I am. I deserve better than that even if someone I care about cannot seem to see that.
I’ve gotten to a point in my life where I’m confident enough to finally stand up for myself. I’ve become independent enough. I used to be a very passive person, still am at times. But as I’ve become more independent and in tune with my emotions, I’ve come to recognize what I deserve and the respect I should earn in return for the respect I give out. I’ve heard excuse after excuse from people I used to be close with to recognize when enough is enough, and when you need to just move on and focus on yourself.