This is What PMS Feels Like (To Me)

Jessica Day from New Girl on Fox

Recently, I was watching one of my favorite episodes of one of my favorite television shows, New Girl. The episode is called “Menzies” and it follows the roommates through Jess’s PMS. At one point Nick Miller states that he “do[esn’t] think it’s fair that women have an excuse once a month to be irrationally angry.” The whole episode is a hilarious, partially true, partially dramatized example of what PMS is like. However, I am sure that many men feel similarly about PMS. Who can blame them? It’s so ambiguous, and relates to a specific monthly event that they have never and will never experience.
This all being said, I thought it might be fun to share what one cycle feels like from one woman’s point of view. Now, mind you, the cycle and its symptoms vary from woman to woman, but I will share my experience. Hopefully it can bring some insight into what your girlfriend, boss, co-worker, bff, mom, sister, etc. is going through during “that time of the month.”

Day 1
Put in the NuvaRing. (Hormonal contraceptive vaginal ring). I’m still spotting a little bit, but once that sucker’s up there for a minute it’ll stop. This day is the best day, the few days that follow aren’t so bad either. My body feels normal. I feel like myself mentally as well as physically, there are no noticeable differences when I look in the mirror. I feel good.

Day 7
This pleasant feeling is still present in terms of my physicality, but I’m starting to have this feeling where the most random things are making me want to punch things. I know this week is going to be a cranky one. I start feeling like I need to wear a sign that says, “not fit for human interaction today,” or start every sentence with “don’t take my mood personally.” It’s an odd feeling. It seems like each day there is only one person who can talk to me and not make me want to throw something, but that person is ever-changing. Also, I want to eat EVERYTHING.

Day 9
This is more serious than I thought. I have officially self-quarantined. No one is immune to the sass-storm I am capable of today. The most simple questions feel like someone is asking me to walk 14 miles to do something for them. I actually feel like I’m being possessed by something. I just want to go through the day, do the stuff I have to do, and not speak to a single soul. If this lasts much longer, I may not have any more friends. Shit.

Day 11
So, I’ve calmed down. I mean, I feel like I’m getting re-accustomed to myself and my normal way of life. Somehow no one is fazed or notices the change. I suppose it’s a good thing that they aren’t concerned that I might blow something up with my mind or break their arm for no reason. Because I definitely wasn’t above that kind of behavior over the past few days.

Day 14
Everything makes me cry. Literally everything. The most trivial things, like the dog outside looking cold. But also the weird things my brain has concocted on its own. This is usually the time when I become irrationally concerned about my relationships, convinced they’re all ending and I’m alone. I feel like everything in the world is sad, and it’s all sitting on my shoulders and it’s my responsibility to respond to it. My response? Tears. Tears everywhere. Fun fact? This is also the time where my body feels anything but my own. I am oddly bloated in this way that maybe the outside world can’t see, but I feel completely full like a busted can of biscuits. You know, the kind of biscuits that come in a tube where you just pull a little piece of paper and they POP!

Day 19
It’s still happening. I am a weepy disaster. Cute things, happy things and sad things alike, are all making me misty-eyed. At this point, I am just begging mother nature to come a minute early so I can GET THIS OVER WITH. I am, again, not myself. But instead of being possessed by some kind of wicked poltergeist, I’m possessed by sadness and rain and it’s making me angry. In the past 24 hours I have ugly cried into a pillow while feeding myself cereal and milk.

Day 21
Time for that bad-boy to get outta here. I take my NuvaRing out and send a quick apology to the man upstairs for my bad attitude the past few weeks, in hopes that I won’t be punished with the only thing I want less than my period – a bebeh.

Day 23
My NuvaRing came out three days ago. I’m officially convinced I am pregnant. This is a paranoia that has plagued me even during my most celibate days. I mean, hasn’t anyone watched Scrubs?

Day 25

Day 26
Blood everywhere.

Day 27
But actually. I have trashed multiple pairs of underwear I can only dream washing will help. Ran out of the right size tampon, and had shitty-absorption levels during the entire second half of the day.

Day 28
I may be bleeding a bit still, but it’s time to put in a new NuvaRing, and it’s a blissful moment. In a few hours, the blood will stop and we’ll start the whole damn cycle again.

Remember, the cycle and the symptoms vary for every woman.  Hopefully, at the very least, this made for a good read!

Pleggenkuhle_Mary Kate_Bio
Mary Kate Pleggenkuhle : Mermaid Songbird. Tattooed Beauty. ChampionSuperstarPrincess. Proud Mamabear of “Obvi, We’re The Ladies.” Sarcastic, But Rarely Caught Without A Smile On.